Xenomorph vs The Thing
This episode is brought to you by the handy folks at LV 426 where everyone is part of an Alien's balanced meal. Introduction Space is really big...and full of horrifying things. Which of these deadly opponents would defeat the other? Interlude Wiz: Psychological warfare has always been a staple of horror. Boomstick: These two are kinda the poster boys for aliens. Wiz: Xenomorph, the perfect organism. Boomstick: The Thing, the replicator. Wiz: I'm Wiz and he's Boomstick and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skill, to see who would win a Death Battle. Xenomorph Wiz: In space no one can hear you scream. Boomstick: You know unless you saw this thing face-to-face. Wiz: You see years ago a long thought dead Peter Weyland went to find humanities creators. Boomstick: Turns out they were huge ass white guys dumping black spooge everywhere. Wiz: Egh Boomstick that's disgusting. Boomstick: But is it inaccurate? Wiz: Ok so yes that is true but not like how you put. Anyway these creatures, the Engineers, were a brilliant race capable of creating life and taking it away. Boomstick: One day a pissed off android named David killed them and decided to create the perfect life form...The Protomorph. Ha see I ain't falling for this shit. Wiz: Somehow those creatures created Xenomorphs and landed on LV 426 where they lay dormant in their egg or Ovomorph form. Boomstick: The hell kinda term is that? Wiz: Fan term. Boomstick: I see carry on Wiz. Wiz: After the egg opens a creature known as a facehugger...does exactly what you'd think it'd do. Boomstick: Stick a giant alien dick down your throat and lay a baby sized embryo in your stomach? Wiz: Exactly. This embryo then bursts out of it's host through it's chest. Boomstick: Wait this thing rapes you and you birth a child through your chest? Holy shit that's terrifying. Wiz: That's not all. After it grows to full size and begins to kill everything that moves. Your friends, family, and even dogs. Boomstick: Not cool man. What did dogs ever do to deserve that. Wiz: These things are made for survival they don't eat, sleep, tire, or even stop. They will crawl towards you until it bleeds to death. Boomstick: That's not normal blood either, it's acid blood. Capable of eating through a ships hull and human tissue. Wiz: The xenomorph is covered in a thick black hide which can repel a civilian revolver, shotgun, and even a bolt caster. Boomstick: Holy shit what can kill this thing? Wiz: Well military grade explosive rounds, armor penetrating rounds, plasma launchers, telescoping spear, even it's own kinds tail or secondary tongue. Boomstick: That might seem like a good amount of stuff but your average joe can't get most of these. Hell even I can't. Wiz: What's worse is that these things are stealthy as all hell. They are invisible to infrared and often employ ambush tactics even sporting an inner jaw that can completely cave in a human skull. In a sense a perfect hunter. Boomstick: Oh come on Wiz don't you mean Predator? Wiz: Seriously...anyway as far as the Xenomorph is concerned there is no contest in efficiency. It's strong enough to lift a fully grown man with ease and even learn to operate machines. Although to what extent is unknown. Boomstick: In any case the Xenomorph is basically your worst nightmare. The Thing Wiz: Space is home to many creatures. Boomstick: Now lets create one that can assimilate every creature and morph into any number of these. Wiz: Well don't fret because there is a creature like that and it could be one of us. Boomstick: What!? Wiz: In Antarctica there was a downed space ship carrying a deadly alien that eventually escaped and well killed both the Norwegian camp and most of the American camp as well. Boomstick: So was it like a plant monster? Snake thingy or maybe a polar bear? Wiz: It was human. Boomstick Come again. Wiz: After attacking and killing a single human it then assimilated into that person retaining all memories and emotions. Boomstick: Oh god this sounds horrifying. Wiz: What's worse is that you're not even sure if you are assimilated. You still act like you except when threatened or when you get a chance you end up transforming. Boomstick: Where's E.T. I like him he's not so threatening in fact let's bring him in. Wiz: Wouldn't matter The Thing would just assimilate him too. Boomstick: I need my beer...and my mother. Wiz: This Thing can hide in plain sight, get it to trust you, tactically divide its conscience and all the while you'd never know any of this. Boomstick: Ok I get it. It is the single most deadly anything ever but I don't hear anything about its strength. So if I can punch it and run that's all I need. Wiz: Boomstick this thing operates on a molecular level one touch and bam you're already infected. Boomstick: A single Cell!? OK, I'm moving to the sun. Wiz: Actually that's a pretty good idea since fire is the only thing that can kill it. Boomstick: Ha screw you Thing!! Wiz: Still though the Thing is strong enough to lift you off the ground. Create giant maw's anywhere on its body and split itself into smaller creatures. Boomstick: I am...at loss for words. Wiz: The Thing is quite possibly to most terrifying thing in fiction. Intermission Wiz: Alright we've done all the research, analyzed their weapons and abilities. Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!! DEATH BATTLE A squad of Colonial Marines burst through a door guns at the ready looking for any signs of movement. The squad leader sees a faint glimmer of light bouncing off their shoulder mounted flashlights. "Fire!" He shouts as his team guns down the Xenomorph. The rest of them begin to shoot anything that moves however each is killed in spectacular fashion. Leaving a single Xenomorph and one terrified colonial marine. The xenomorph crawls towards him but then stops. Two large arms protrude from his body. The head turning into a mouth while the rest of the body slowly begins to mutate into a dog like body. The Xenomorph begins to hiss while the Thing barks back. Before the two strike a second Xenomorph appears from behind. It attacks the thing only for it to sprout several tentacles lashing out and crushing it's body the acid burning away the tentacles. The Thing reels in pain the other Xenomorph attacks the head opening it's mouth readying it's inner jaw. The attack lands but the Xenomorph gets thrown off. In one last movement the two large arms split into separate insect like creatures swarming over the Xenomorphs body. The Xenomorph throws them off but it's too late the Thing morphs into a human again. The Xenomorph confused walks slowly toward him. Only for the bugs to crush it's neck and head carapace. K.O. Epilouge Boomstick: How the hell did that squishy human thing kill the Xenomorph? Wiz: Simple while the Xenomorph is a hunter it doesn't have the mind to think creatively. Boomstick: Oh I gotcha. The Xenomorph has a one track mind kill, bring hosts back, and survive. Wiz: Yup. The xenomorph is pretty impressive when hunting but when it comes to ambush tactics and stealth the Thing and still split into any number of things. Boomstick: What's even worse is that the Thing could easily get a chest burster too and even create a hybrid. Which would seriously fuck everyone. Wiz: The only advantage was the acid blood but even then it had to be on top of it. Boomstick: You could say the Xenomorph was... uh..Um....Puns? Wiz: Sure let's go with that. The winner The Thing. Next Time "If you think you can take on Lord Frieza you are sorely mistaken." "I have no qualms with you Zarbon just your master." Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:Horror Themed Death Battles Category:'Aliens' Themed Death Battles Category:'Monster' Themed death battles